A mommy's confession

Today was a hard day. Seriously, I quit as a mom. I reached the point of being beyond done with my children. After the girls were finally in bed (an hour after bedtime) I sat down at the computer to just veg. Check facebook, have {several} conversations via text, and just let this day roll off me.

My plan after the girls went to bed was to study the book of Acts. It's what we're studying as a church right now on Sunday's and my women's small group is going through an in-depth study of the book. But as I started to decompress at the computer, I felt God calling me in a different direction...

As I updated my facebook status and saw that I was not the only mommy who had a rough day, I began to think about why I had handled it so poorly. Both with my words and actions. Sure, I can chalk it up to "I'm just human - I am" and "we all have bad days - we do" and "tomorrow's a new day - it is", but what does that teach me about how I handled TODAY. How do I make it so that tomorrow is different? What can I LEARN from today about God, and who He has made me as a mommy?"

I have an amazing mentor in my life - Darcy Kimmel - and at one point I asked her, what verse do you recommend for those days where you're just DONE as a mom. She recommended Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ok, I thought, well...I could see teaching that one TO your kids, but how does that help me when I just want to cry "UNCLE!". If you've heard the name Kimmel, it's probably in association with their ministry - Family Matters. Her hubby Tim has authored numerous parenting and life-living books including Grace Based Parenting.

So, as I sat here at my computer, a random thought {hello God} popped into my head, I'm going to do a word study on "grace". I know the word, I've experienced the word, I can recite tons of scripture using the word. But, I thought, do I LIVE the word. Today, did I show my kids grace??

I immediately say, well, yes, I did!! They got warnings, they got time-outs, they got spanked, they got hugs - all of which were deserved and needed. All of those show my kids grace. Then, in my word study, I came across this verse:

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6.

Uh-oh. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are days (like today) where God just wants to shake me and scream at me and say "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!?!?!?" But he doesn't. With His never-ending patience, He says come here, find comfort, rest, let ME renew you, let ME give you strength. That's HIS grace. And I totally failed to do that with my girls today. Instead of being a comforting, restful, patience-filled mommy, I was on edge and snappy - all day.

I find it WAY easier to show grace in my actions, than my words so this verse has hit me hard! I also find that my words are often more grace-filled for others than they are for my kids. So, I have no choice but to go to bed saying this:

"Lord, I praise you for today. For the trials that were brought, because they showed me more of YOU. You're grace is amazing, not only in action but in word. Thank you for bringing me into your arms and lovingly showing me how to be a better mommy to these beautiful children. I pray you continue to remind me of Your graceful words and that I can be a messenger of them to these precious gifts. Amen."

I know I will fail at this. But I know that God gives me endless mercies and the grace to try again tomorrow. As long as I remember to keep coming back to Him...because it's not something I can do on my own.